Your In-Laws Are Not the Problem, This Is

Many people say in-laws are the biggest problem in marriage. What if your in-laws are not the entire problem? What if the bigger problem is that nobody clearly told them where their roles end? You see, for me, this is where marriage becomes almost absurd. Two people get married. They promise to build a life together. Then suddenly 10 other people have opinions about how that life should be lived — what to eat, where to live, how much money to spend, when to have children, how to raise those children, and so on, and so on, and so on. What the husband should do, what the wife should do, and things like that. And then everybody becomes angry. The in-laws say, "We are only helping you," right? And the couple say, "You are interfering." And both sides believe they are innocent. That is the absurd thing.

This is where I think boundaries become really important. Because a boundary is not an insult. A boundary is simply a line. It says, "This part of life belongs to me." And strangely enough, human beings understand walls better than words. If I build a wall around my house, nobody says, "How selfish you are. Why do you not allow everybody to walk into your bedroom?" Right? Nobody asks that question. But when it comes to emotional boundaries, suddenly everybody becomes a philosopher. "How can you say no to the family?" "You know who I am? I am your dad," and things like that, right? "How can you keep your personal matters private?" and so on, and so on. Or, "How can you make decisions without asking us?" Very easy. Because being family does not automatically mean having unlimited access. Everyone must understand this. This is the uncomfortable truth. Marriage does not mean two people suddenly become public property. It means two people have chosen to share a life. And I think there is a huge difference there.

Imagine that I own a small garden. I love the garden. I invite my family into it. They can sit there. They can enjoy the flowers. They can give suggestions. But if they start moving the plants, cutting the trees, digging holes, and deciding where I should sleep, and things like that, what happens? Then eventually I have to say, "This is my garden." Right? That sentence does not mean I hate them. It means I know where the garden ends, or where to put my boundaries. And this is exactly what boundaries do. They tell people where your emotional garden ends.

For me, many family conflicts are not created by one terrible person. They are created by unclear territories — or unclear territory. Nobody knows who is responsible for what. Everybody has an opinion. Especially in India, you know, if you don't live together with your in-laws, you're considered to be a narrow-minded guy, or you're considered to be very stupid. Everybody wants to know what is happening in the family, right? But nobody knows where their opinions should end. And because nobody knows where the line is, everybody eventually crosses it. And then couples face an enormous amount of stress, tension, and unwanted ups and downs in their life.

Now let us be fair. Sometimes the in-laws genuinely behave badly, right? Things can happen. If someone constantly humiliates their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, or manipulates their child, controls money, invades privacy, creates fights, or tries to dominate the marriage — saying "just set boundaries" can sound almost ridiculous. If someone is deliberately abusive, the solution is not to politely draw a little line on the floor and hope they respect it. Right? Sometimes distance is necessary. Sometimes strong consequences are necessary. There's a saying: however beautiful the view is, if the view is hurting you, just close the window. That's how things are. Sometimes leaving the situation is necessary.

But in ordinary family conflicts, I think something else is happening. You know what? People are often expecting others to behave exactly as they want without ever communicating the rules. How does that work? And then they become disappointed when people break the rules that were never spoken. This is almost comical. Imagine playing a game where nobody tells you the rules. You move your own piece. Someone screams, "You cannot do that!" You say, "Why?" "Because everyone knows." Nobody knows. Everyone does not know. We all think that everybody should know about marriage. Everybody should know about their life. Things do not work like that. That is the problem.

Marriage can become exactly like that. A wife thinks, "My husband should automatically understand that I do not want his family involved in my personal arguments." The husband thinks, "She should understand that my parents are important to me." Also, the parents think, "Our son should still listen to us." Everyone has an invisible rule book, and everyone assumes everybody else has received a copy. Nobody has. Then the war begins. The cold war, emotional war, jealousy war — all kinds of war.

I find this fascinating. Human beings will communicate their Wi-Fi password to a stranger before communicating an emotional boundary to their own family. What pathetic creatures we all are. We will say, "The password is 1 2 3 4 5 9," and done. But we will not say, "Please do not discuss our financial problems with other relatives." We will complain privately. We will cry privately. We will become angry. We will tell friends. We will make long speeches inside our own heads. But we will never say the simple sentence: "Please do not interfere in this decision." And then we wonder why nothing changes.

Let me tell you something. To a man, his wife should be his entire world. And to his wife, her man should be her entire world. If anyone else involves themselves, that marriage has already gone for chaos — or it has already gone for a sixer, right? All this problem is because people do not know who they are. People think that they are the body and mind, and then they suffer. They are not. You are the unblemished awareness on which the entire drama of life is happening. You have to turn your mind within and see this for yourself. Then you yourself will know what boundaries to set, what to do, and what not to do. Let the world complain. The world will say you're stupid. The world will say you're an idiot. So be it. The world will constantly say what you are and what you are not, whether you like it or not. So don't bother. Understand, by turning your mind within, that you are awareness. You are nothing but the truth. You are the origin of all origins. But you do not wish to see that because you're busy doing what needs to be done or not. Busy looking at what all these things are happening, right? We are busy watching the movie, so we never pay attention to the screen. You are the awareness. Recognize that. Recognize that you are divinity and be done. Then you yourself will know when to set boundaries, what to do, and what not to do.

I'm not saying your life will become perfect once you know the truth. All that I'm saying is that you will understand you are not your life. You are not the body and mind. Your relationship to your life will change. And that is the greatest liberation that anyone can ask for.